Know What You Know 

D. E. Larsen, DVM

Sandy came back to the treatment room and leaned against the door jam. I knew her well enough to know that her stance meant bad news.

“Sue is on the phone,” Sandy said. “She has been trying to get her Dobermans to breed, and her male will show no interest. She wants you to do an artificial insemination for her.”

Sandy knew I hated to deal with artificial insemination in the dog. In well over ninety percent of the cases, the request was because the male was not getting the job done.

So, what is the best way to get the male dog to perform? You take them to the worst place in the world, in their opinion, and expect things to be better. Take them to a vet clinic.

“You know what I think about that, don’t you?” I asked Sandy.

“Sue is begging on the phone,” Sandy said. “She has been trying all week, and she is about at the end of her bitches fertile period.”

“Okay, I will give it a try,” I said. “Schedule her at the end of the day when everything is cleared out of here, and tell her there are no promises.”

There was a story in our class in vet school where a couple of the guys were working at a clinic in New Mexico. They were trying to collect semen from a small dog, and there was no way the dog would do it. The story goes that the guys took the female and threw her into a kennel with a group of dogs. She got bred, and apparently, nobody was aware of the breeding.

“At least Burno is a good dog,” Dixie said.

“Yes, he’s a good dog,” I said. “But the last thing I wanted to be doing at the end of the day is masturbating a damn dog. And I can assure you, Burno won’t be thrilled with the idea either.”

The pending appointment cast a cloud of doom over me for the rest of the afternoon. I kept thinking I needed to find somewhere to send people who wanted this service, but it was such an infrequent request that I never got that done.

Finally, we had an empty clinic except for Sue, who was waiting with Burno and Bella in the reception area. Burno looked like he was ready to leave any time.

We brought both dogs into the exam room, and I did a quick exam on Burno and collected a vaginal swab from Bella.

“What does the swab tell you?” Sue asked.

“When the bitch is in her receptive period, the vaginal epithelium cells on the slide will all be cornified cells,” I said. “This is just to check to make sure Bella is still in estrus.”

“Burno shows zero interest in her,” Sue said. “Does he have a problem, or what?”

“It’s hard to tell,” I said. “They are together all the time. Maybe he just doesn’t like her. Or maybe it is just inexperience. Sometimes, these guys just need to run with boys for a time or two. Sort of like a dirty movie. The problem we have now is in collecting semen from a reluctant male who would rather be any place other than the dreaded vet clinic.”

“How are we going to do this?” Sue asked.

“It might work better if you waited out front,” I said. “At least for the first try. If I can’t get anything out of him, you can come back and try to help.”

“Okay, but I am guessing that I will be paying for your time even if nothing happens,” Sue said.

“This might be one of the most difficult situations I deal with in this clinic,” I said. “I don’t do it for the fun of it.”

Dixie and I took Burno and Bella to the back of the clinic. We couldn’t get Burno to even look at a Bella, let alone have romantic thoughts. I tried some manual stimulation on Burno with no results.

“What about the electroejaculator?” Dixie asked.

“That might work, but we’re not going to try it here,” I said. “You have to put the dog under anesthesia to do it. We would have a lot of expense for a backyard litter. We are not going to get anything done here. I will talk with Sue and see what she wants to do.”

Sue was on the edge of her seat when I went out front. She sprang to her feet before I said a word.

“Can I come try to help?” Sue asked.

“Yes, you can try,” I said. “But Sue, this isn’t going to work. We are just spinning our wheels here. Burno is not interested in any of it.”

Sue almost ran back to the dogs. The next thing I knew, she was down on the floor talking with Burno. I didn’t know what was going to happen now. I glanced at Dixie, and she shrugged her shoulders.

This went on for another fifteen minutes, and we tried manual stimulation again with no effect. I finally called an end to it.

“This isn’t going to work, Sue,” I said. “I don’t have any suggestions for you except to try to get Burno some experience before the next heat cycle.”

Sue left with her two dogs, disappointed, I am sure.

“The first thing in the morning, we are going to get on the phone and find a clinic, somewhere close, probably Eugene, that will take our referrals for this job. I know what I know, and it isn’t masturbating dogs.”

Sandy smiled but did not respond.

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